So many thoughts.......

When I go to write a post I have so many thoughts to share that I just can't get them straight. If I were to actually post more often I could focus my posts more. My personality is more like feast or famine so I have five different post ideas in my head right now, but I will probably go a month before writing again.

I have a few thoughts that I hope to share without being all over the place. Actually I don't think it is possible to not be all over the place, but I will try. Right now everyone is sleeping. It is 6:43 a.m. The kids have been so busy this summer. We had company yesterday and they were playing with their cousin for hours. They both went to bed late so hopefully I will have some more quiet time to focus and get ready for my day.

This morning started with my allergies. Wretched allergies would be the best way to describe them. Dust, pollen, wine, general breathing. Each day begins with a runny nose, and we ran out of Allegra. Also, I need to go an allergist while there is still time this summer. Have I actually called? Of course not.

My anxiety is about a five and a half or six out of ten. I am convinced it changes throughout the month and is very connected to my hormones. It is usually at its worst during PMS. I typically feel my best at the beginning of each cycle. What do I agonize over? Everything. My mind is a constant tornado of thoughts, worry, guilt, questions. At 41 I have begun to realize that a lot of it is my personality. Sometimes I let those little thoughts, worries, and obsessions, float around my head. I just live and get through. I have learned and continue to work on just letting them be there without getting too stuck on them. My allergies and I decided to sneak out of bed and do a little yoga routine. Nothing strenuous, just a very short morning yoga video (yes video)that stretches the body and awakens the mind. It was a good start to the day, and shockingly enough no one woke up to help me. I envisioned a four year old voice saying "Hi Mama" but he is still dreaming. Whew! So my quick yoga routine was helpful to wake me up. Here I am typing and I haven't even had coffee. I bought this set about ten years ago. I used to do it before work sometimes. What I really need to do today is blow through some cardio. My diet and exercise plan has not gone that well. I could whine, but life's too short. At this point I care more about health than being thin. I know there can be a connection, but overall I would prefer to be someone who worked out regularly and ate well and wore a size 12 as opposed to someone who was skinny but not healthy. For the record I don't wear a size 12, but I would be strutting my stuff if I did. The cardio workout is what helps blast that anxiety out. I promise I will do stuff, but then when I feel good it is so easy to put it off. I promise today that I will get in a cardio based workout. Now I need to start a new post.

The most random blog......

I was just reading through some old blog posts, and I have what I would call the most random blog ever. Work, cooking, not cooking, it is a potpourri of thoughts. We just took a fun mini vacation. I am trying to complete a summer schedule. I was able to actually purge some things from the house today and make the same dinner for everyone. No, not "everyone" ate it, but I will keep trying.

Schedules and me

I need one plain and simple. Me without a schedule is a one way ticket to depression city. I am not mocking depression; I am serious. If I don't have a schedule I get weird and off. Working full time, as hard and as challenging as it was, gave me a schedule. It was sometimes crazy, but it is what I need. If I am as lucky to work full time in the fall (we don't know quite yet) I need to get my meals in order because we ate way too much take out this year. It was really bad, and it has negatively affected my waist line.

What I need,want, and will have is a schedule for the summer. It will include working on the house every day to declutter and clean. It should include exercise and eating well to get into better shape. There is no excuse right now not to be able to make a healthy dinner. I have the time. There will be play time with the kids, which will include swimming in our town pool. Seeing friends I haven't seen in months and reading for enjoyment, which I had little time to do this year and really missed. It would be good to add spend some time with my spouse alone without children. Also my final schedule idea is to write something every day. Even if it is to just to recap my schedule.

Summer time..........

Here we are. It's summer time. This is my first summer that I am not working (outside of my house). I have always worked during the summer since we became parents. The first summer was a summer school program, followed by summer number two that included the same program and waitressing on the weekend. That was a really grouchy summer. Every summer since I did my same old waitressing gig. It wasn't full time, but I always had to figure out the cookouts and parties that we were invited to because that was when I worked. Also if you ever worked nights you probably know that "I have to work tonight mantra" that haunts you during the day when you know you have to go to work.

Since I went back to teaching this past year we decided it would be nice to not work during the summer. Parenting is plenty of work, so it isn't like I am sitting under a cabana all day. We have some house projects planned and a mini vacation to take. Yes, we are both off over the summer. I won't get into the "teachers get a lot of time off" comments that people make. We do have some great family time that I really appreciate, but it isn't why either one of us went into teaching. It also wasn't supposed to be part of this post so I will get one with it.

My six year old is enrolled in a few weeks of summer camp. It takes place right behind one of our town pools. Our town has fantastic activities that are really inexpensive. For the first time this year I bought summer swim passes for the family for our town pool. I had my four year old in the pool with me and in the distance we can see my six year old playing at camp. She looked so happy. My four year old was splashing around the pool showing me how he can jog in the water. Seriously he loved jogging in the water. His beaming face and bright blue eyes looked so happy just swimming with his mom. It reminded me how much we love our children. How we would do anything for them. Going back to work full time this year was a huge transition. My days were so busy that I did not worry much about my kids, but now that it is summer I realize how much I missed them and know how much I love them. Thank you summer time for giving me this time with my children. I will not take you for granted.

Pantry challenge here I come

Yes, February for us will be an eat from the pantry and freezer sort of month. I am going to try to use as much as possible and not get too much take out. Last month we spent sort of a lot on take out. Now that I am working full time it is really hard to get dinner on the table. Yeah, whatever, I was sort of lazy before that too. Anyway, the point is that I want to save money, and we spend tons on groceries. It is just a way of life. However, I think that anyone can cut back. It isn't really even my opinion. There are many people that have blogs and books showing us that we don't have to spend millions on groceries. Now there are must haves and we have them. We need fresh fruit and we need it weekly. Milk is also a staple in our house. Bread is pretty popular too. I was making my own bread over vacation and might be able to do that in February, but right now I am buying bread. I find the best price I can on the most natural bread. So here is my pledge to myself. Make an inventory of what I have and try to plan some meals. This weekend I will get our essentials and anything that is really well priced. Dinner will be strictly what we have in the freezer or pantry. This should be fun.

Death is the hard part about life

Recently I attended a memorial service for my aunt's brother. He died suddenly this weekend leaving behind his parents, three teenagers, and four siblings. Watching family members struggling with emotions and trying to cope with such a loss is heartbreaking. How do you tell someone you are sorry that their son is gone? As my sister said the other day "there are no words". There are no words that can take away the grief and pain that comes when we lose someone we love so much. There are many things we think of when someone dies. What is there after death? Is there anything? I envy people that have total faith that there is something after this life. Those that know that dying is like being born again. I want to have that kind of faith, but truthfully I worry that there is nothing. It scares me that one day you are gone and that is it. All that is left is loved ones left to share your memories, but you will never talk again, or wake up again, or make another cup of coffee.

Besides thinking about our own inevitable death, we worry about losing others. The hardest part last night was watching his parents. It goes beyond anything I could ever imagine. Ten years ago this month I lost my best friend. She was thirty. It was the most devastating time in my life. At that time I had not had children yet, but still I knew that no matter how painful it was to lose her, my pain could never compare to that of her parents or only sister. For years I thought of her and them every single day. I cried a lot for many years after she died. I still think of her daily. She floats in and out of my head. I hear songs on the radio that we listened to in college and I convince myself it is her way of saying hello. Maybe that is my way of hoping that there is something after this. Something that speaks to me through a radio playing songs that we listened to repeatedly like college girls do. Dancing in a beat up Malibu, smoking cigarettes and singing off key, playing the same songs again and again. Those songs speak to me when I hear them. They come through in my car and I feel like my friend is there saying hello, or I miss you, or it is okay to move on. It is so hard to move on when you lose someone. In the past ten years since my friend has been gone I bought a house, got married, and had two kids. My life is nothing like it was. I often feel guilty about moving on. Guilty that I am here and she is gone. Guilty that I have a family and she could not. Sad when I snuggle my face against my own children, knowing how much I love them and can't imagine anything ever happening. Knowing that I will be gone someday, but my children will go on, the world will go on and maybe I can come back and say hi through a song.

I shopped again

Today I spent $109.00 at the store. I felt like I got a lot for my money. The only nonfood items totaled $5.00 (paper towels and trash bags). I had done a tentative meal plan, but when I got home was feeling so tired. Working all week is crazy. Each day flies by as I get out with the kids, drop them both off, get to work. My day is over quickly, and I need quick meals to throw together when I get home.

I bought a package of chicken and a large package of ground beef. I had elaborate plans that included freezing meatballs and meatloaf. I decided I deserved a bit of relaxing watching mindless television. I managed to pull together a skillet chicken pot pie that bakes in the oven with biscuits on it. It has fresh veggies and no canned gravy. It is a rich, but delicious dish all ready for me to get home Monday, make some biscuits and throw it in the oven. Monday is done. My large package of ground beef became a large pan of cooked ground beef. I froze two freezer bags of cooked ground beef for quick throw together dinners and turned the rest into chili. Some we are going to eat when I finish this post; I was able to freeze half of the chili. Freezing half a meal is good, not only because I can get another meal out of it, but we also eat less because I haven't put it all out.

We will see what the week brings