Rain, Nausea, and Christmas Anxiety

Weird and random topics strung together,but I will do my best to provide some connections. Maybe.
It is raining, just three days after Christmas. Well actually, we had Christmas yesterday because someone, yours truly, had to cancel dinner on Christmas day due to some wacky stomach bug. I should have realized Christmas morning when I felt drained and terrible, coffee tasted off, and I could not get off the couch, but alas I did not realize it until the nausea hit at 2:30 that afternoon. Prior to that I thought my system could not handle the rich food from Christmas Eve. Maybe I had combined too many weird things at one time? Finally I realized I was pretty ill. I spend the next ten hours in bed sleeping, groaning, shivering, having crazy dreams and sipping juice to combat dehydration. The next day I no longer thought I was dying, but it took 24 hours to feel back to myself. Yesterday I went to the gym and thought things were just grand. However, during dinner I just did not feel right. Maybe I ate a few too many snacks. I could not even finish my wine and drank tea instead of coffee after dinner. Today I did eat breakfast and had some coffee, but still don't feel quite right.

I wonder if my not quite right feeling is a lingering illness or that old Christmas anxiety. I love the Christmas season. There's nothing better than hearing Nat, Dean or Frank crooning Christmas songs on the radio, watching It's a Wonderful Life, and singing carols with the kids, but the stress of Christmas is just too much. Too much giving and worrying, and planning and spending. Too much. Too much.

Since the kids attend Before and After care there were many people I wanted to thank with a small Christmas gift. I know baking is sweet and fairly economical, but I also know that some people will not eat food from a stranger's kitchen, so I choose not to bake for strangers because I worry that it will be wasted. Also, as a teacher, I try to stay away from mugs, too much candy (though I did give some people candy too), candles, ornaments and things that people just may not need. I opted for Dunkin Donut gift cards. They were only $5.00 cards, but I bought a lot. We wanted to try to catch everyone that runs activities for the kids and it really adds up. We totally forgot our mailman, so I actually regifted a gift card that was given to me. (My thoughts on regifting have changed a lot. If you receive something that you will never use, and you do not use it, I think it is perfectly acceptable to regift it. It is frugal, environmental, and cost effective. Go for it!) All those little gifts did not even include the classroom teachers. Both classes took up collections, which we just contributed to so the class could purchase a class gift. It was nice to check that off the list.

What I want to figure out is how to fix this so next year I don't go through the same old Christmas stress. Scour the aisles for the best sales and stockpile gifts all year. Take every $10 Kohl's coupon I receive and get some free dishtowels? That actually isn't a bad idea. What I could do is use the summer to plan, organize, and take care of a lot of Christmas stuff. It is early, but it would use the time that I have in the summer that I just don't have in December. We will see what I do. It's a good idea, but right now that is all that it is.

Dealing with death

My family is dealing with a heartbreaking tragedy. One of my cousin's died last week. He had a heart attach while riding his bike. He was 43.

It is still surreal, even though a week has passed, and the services are over. I am not sure what to say about it. My aunt and uncle have to endure a loss that no one parent should ever experience.

When someone dies, those directly affected by it will continue to suffer and mourn the loss of someone they love. After the services my aunt and uncle had to go home. Now they have to live without conversations and phone calls. They are directly and forever more affected by his loss.

I watched my family members at the wake, as we all made small talk, battling our internal struggle with death. For most of us life just goes on. That is the uncomfortable truth in death. Others carry on without us. It is that simple. I was at work the day after I got the news, trying to make sense of what had happened. That night I said to my husband, "you know after I die, someone will go to work the next day. That seems strange to me." We think, when we die, that life stops, and it does not.

When we returned from the wake we were trying to make some last minute decisions about paint colors. I got upset. It did not seem fair to me that we were picking out paint colors knowing that my cousin was being buried the next day. That is what life is. Going on even after people die. Obviously certain losses stop us in our tracks. My aunt and uncle will not just go on.

In 2003 I lost my best friend. It was the most heartbreaking loss I had endured. As bad as I always felt, I knew her parents and sister felt worse. It has been almost 12 years since that time. I think about her every day, and sometimes it does catch up to me, but I have processed that grief. For many years I struggled with her loss. Anything that reminded me about her would break my heart in pieces. Rites of passage like getting married and having children made me feel guilty, but I knew I had to do these things.

The funeral for my cousin was done at the funeral home by a family member that is also a priest. He is a gifted and talented speaker, and possesses a great faith in God. Yet, though his faith is evident, his down to earth way of speaking reaches the whole room. He has done many family weddings and funerals, and always finds words to lighten the burden. He spoke, through his own tears, about how hard it is to rationalize death, because essentially we can't. We are born and we die, and there is no control. It is out of our hands.

Getting a Handle on Teaching

The days since school started are flying by. I have been with my new class for almost twenty days. Amazing. I don't write much about my job. When I was trying to get back to work I did write about all interviews I had, and how much I wanted to get back into the full time work force. In October of 2012 I thanked my lucky stars as I was offered a long term position for the remainder of the week.

Fast forward to my third year in the same district teaching the same grade. They kept me and the time has flown. When I accepted the long term position I was dropping my three year old at preschool twice a week and saying goodbye to my kindergartener. Now my three year old is the kindergartener and my sweet girl is in second grade. So grown up and changing fast. My thoughts about both working full time and teaching have been all over the board since I returned to the field. I never talk about teaching, but I think I need to today.

Teaching is hard. This is not a complaint; just a fact folks. It is the type of job that forces you to be "on" all day. It does not matter how much sleep you had or if your mood is good. You are working with kids and they need you to be upbeat, knowledgeable, firm and loving. These things can be done simultaneously or in different combinations. For example: you are redirecting the same child who really struggles to pay attention and make good behavior choices. He or she has missed the directions and possibly half the lesson and needs something reexplained. So you smile (upbeat), redirect the behavior or provide a gently reminder (firm), encourage them or gently put your hand on their shoulder (loving), and finally teach what they missed, while assessing where they are academically (knowledgeable). Whew! That is just one student and one situation. There are probably twenty students in your room who need different combinations of knowledgeable, firm, loving, and upbeat all day. Teaching itself drains you of your energy and that is just the teaching part. There are lesson plans to write, assessments to grade, students to refer, experiments to set up, papers to copy, and entire weekends spent completing report cards to complete. (Join me some weekend when I spend my entire weekend reassessing work and writing thoughtful comments on each and every report card about how children are doing.)These things can not get done in the short prep time that we have each day. Where I work we get a 40 minute prep each day. No matter what I try to do that prep time flies by. Even something like a jammed copier can steal precious time. I try to get to school between 30 and 45 minutes before my student arrive. Arriving earlier is impossible because I need to drop my kids at Before Care. Some days I stay at work for an hour or an hour and a half. It depends on what my own kids have in the afternoons and evenings, but truthfully I could stay every day until 6:00 PM. There is no drama in that statement. It is so true. Unfortunately it would be impossible, so I do the best I can when I am there and bring some things home to do at night and on the weekend. So then after my own kids are in bed I am sitting on my couch at 8:00 at night trying to weed through what I need to do. There are nights I just can't do this.

This is the point where people point out that you have the summer off. Yes, we do have about eight weeks off during the summer, and I very much appreciate it. However, I will go out on a limb and say that teaching is a job where you are expected to do work during your own time because a daily forty minute prep isn't going to cut it.

Teaching is also a job that weighs on your mind all the time. Every weekend I bring things home that need to be done. Whether I tackle them Saturday or Sunday night, they are in my mind ALL WEEKEND. It isn't just work teachers think about either; they think about kids. Kids that they worry about and are unsure of how to reach.

So why don't I just do something else. Well, I think about it a lot. When the pressure's on, and another initiative is added to our plates, when MCAS scores come out. I really do think about it. However, teaching matters. It matters that I am upbeat and reassuring. It matters that students know I care about them and will help them when they have a question. It matters in ten years when kids look back and say a teacher made them feel good and taught them something they never forgot. It matters during Open House when my students from last year pop in to say hi and their parents do too. It reminds me that I can positively affect kids and their families. That they care enough about me to visit and reconnect, that our year was valuable, and our time mattered. I want to keep teaching, no matter how hard it is, because every single day with children matters.

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Just a two minute share

Really more of a rant, but share is more inviting. Sitting on the couch dressed with a Dora towel on my head. That should look great at work. My stomach kills because I ate so much junk yesterday. What is wrong with me? Oh right, I sent my oldest to school with a cold and no fever, but she got a fever and I had to leave work and get her. Poor thing. She is fine, but can't go to school today. Thankfully my parents are coming to watch her so neither one of us will miss the day. It is only September-there are only so many sick days we can take until June.

Evidently when you leave work to get your sick kid you should eat a lot of Cheetos while sitting on the couch. Why did I do that? Overall coming home early caused me to indulge in things that have bloated me and made me feel like crap. Now I am ranting sharing (when I should be blow drying my hair) and contemplating whether I should make my own oatmeal or stop at Starbucks on the way. Also, I have yet to wake my five year old friend who needs to come with me so I can drop him at before care. A final note is that my lunch today consists of leftovers (mostly carbs)because I did not want to waste food and I could only handle making two sandwiches this morning while I had a full blown allergy attack. Lovely.

Maybe I left my gratitude at work?

The day got away from me......

I had a whole different post going this morning, but stopped it mid writing. Whew! What a day. A sick child kept us from visiting my parents. We did make it to church. The day seemed like never ending straightening, laundry folding, and cooking with extra snuggling thrown in for sick and tired kids. The cooking included chicken soup with tortellini, calzone, and a potato, ham and egg casserole. We ended up eating the calzone tonight. I think that is my new favorite meal. One pizza dough made more than enough for the four of us. If I had made a pizza with it we would have eaten it and looked for more. Calzone seemed to stretch it out somehow. Tomorrow we have soccer, so I hope to get home in time to bake it in the oven. After making the calzone it was too hot to put the egg casserole in tonight. Time to go to bed.

6:01 AM on Friday

Last night's Open House went well. However, knowing I would be at work for twelve hours I was filled with the energy to do so. However, when I got home the energy did not leave. I even stopped at the store for some much needed groceries. I read for a bit and then drifted off. When I removed myself from the couch and went to bed I could not get myself to sleep. The middle of the night had some interruption because my son was restless and dreaming. Finally, 5:00 AM came and I got up. Maybe it is that slow progression to midlife change. Maybe I am still filled with yesterday's energy needed to make it through a twelve hour day. I fear I will be sleeping on the soccer field.

I decided I would take some time for me and surf the web. So here I am hitting my favorite sites and shopping. Oops. Not really shopping, but discovering something really amazing.www.stayathomeyoga.com This is a site you can join and do yoga from your house. I have wanted to get into a yoga practice for a couple of months now. I bought a great Groupon for a local studio. I have attended two classes, but getting there is so challenging. Three out of four of our evenings include activities. Our weekends are full too. With some effort I could make a class a week, but with yoga at my finger tips I can get up and do it before work. There is not time in the morning for me to go to a gym before my husband leaves for work. Enough excuses because let's face it; I can be lazy. Well, not anymore. I signed up for the online yoga and tried five minute morning pose. It gave me a boost that I can take through my day. They are starting work here at 7:00, so I need anything I can get.

Tonight is soccer. Tomorrow we have soccer and swimming. Sunday we have church. Peppered throughout the weekend will be house cleaning, food shopping and menu planning. I also need to visit those people who are responsible for for my existence. I did not make it there last weekend and I would like to see them. We always stay for a long time because I like to talk to them and love for them to see the kids. No one tells you exactly how busy life can be.

We had dinner for a week straight. I roasted two chickens Sunday. We had Sunday dinner and left overs Monday. Tuesday we had soup from one of the chickens. Wednesday we had chicken fried rice with left over chicken and a pasta bake from the freezer Thursday (I was at work eating pizza). Tonight we are having homemade pizza with store bought crust. It is a soccer night, and store bought dough is cheaper than two pizzas.

I want to begin today and my weekend with a positive attitude and gratitude. I hope to try some yoga and report how it goes. Enjoy the journey.

Gratitude with a cold

Happy Tuesday! It is 6:00 am as I drink my first cup of coffee. I just spent 16 minutes making four lunches and yes I have a cold. There was no energy left last night to put four lunches together, so I trudged out of bed at 5:52 to get them done. Today I have meeting at 8:00, so I need to head to the shower and wake the kids early.

It is not a terrible cold. Just a scratchy sore throat with congestion annoying cold. Open House is in a couple of nights, so I need this cold to go away. Sunday's roasted chicken turned into chicken soup. Truly I am the only one who really enjoys chicken soup in this house, but with my husband having a cold too, I think I can safely serve that soup tonight.

In gearing up for the day I think about yesterday. I made it through with a smile and got through soccer without too much stress. My job calls for a lot of patience and psychology, but I still had some energy left for my own kids at the end of the day.

Today I am starting with a required meeting which makes me late for the classroom. Everything is in place, so things should run smoothly until I get there. My plans are in order. Our routines are picking up. I have an appointment at the end of the day, but we have no activities for the kids. Even with a cold I hope to keep a smile on my face, a grateful and positive attitude, and appreciation for the new day.