Saturday, June 27, 2015

When Your Heart Hurts

Life is very complicated right now because my father is not well. It is surreal, and lousy, and mind numbing, but it is true. Also, without the whirlwind of school to run my day it is hard to avoid thinking about. Not that I hadn't been thinking about it. It is always there, but now there is nothing else that is looming over me so I just think about Dad, and Mom, and my sister and how bad things happen to good people and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. My father was already dealing with some memory issues, but since the stroke there are much greater moments of confusion, combined with the difficulties a stroke can bring. He is in a wheelchair, and though he can stand, he can not walk independently.

It is sad to see him a situation like this and hard to see the toll it takes on everyone. Both my sister and I worry about my mother and how it is impacting her.  She has dealt with a lot of illness and loss during the past eight years; this is a lousy addition to it all. It is frustrating too how others deal or don't deal with it.  He has been at various facilities for over eight weeks. It is interesting to see who visits and who can't.

One of the challenges of all this is talking to my kids about it.  They are only eight and six. My eight year old knows a bit more. I explained what a stroke does and how we don't know the outcome. They know he isn't home, and that he looks different. I can't say much more about it to them. They are already hesitant when they see him. It is unsettling for them. I don't think he notices their hesitation, but my mother does and it makes her feel terrible. My daughter knows she can ask me questions if she has any. I worry about what they may be thinking.

So now my heart hurts for my family, my parents, and my kids, my sister and both our husbands who are helping us deal with the situation. My own husband has already experienced the loss of both parents. He is quite supportive and feels bad that my parents are experiencing this situation at much younger ages than they should.

I pray that we find a way to make it through, and that my father's condition improves. That is all I can do right now.

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