Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Our house is the same, but our life is slowly changing. The kids are getting older, I am trying hard to get back into the professional work force, and we have seen a lot of changes in the world around us.
We have experienced our fair share of loss, as everyone does. Death is a funny thing. It doesn't always hit you right away. Often it takes months or more for it to set in. It changes us. It takes something innocent away and fills our hearts with grief and sorrow. Thank God for children because they truly help balance our sadness.
Another loss that we have been witness to is the end of many marriages. Many of my life long friends are in the midst of divorce for a variety of reasons. My heart breaks for them, and this overwhelming life change. At one time I could not imagine any of my friends dealing with such a difficult situation, but I was naive. Life is not a fairy tale. Bad things happen all the time and we have little control over the situation.
In my attempt to support my friends I gave little thought to my own marriage, but to be honest it terrifies me. We never know what life has in store for us. Things can change so quickly. People die, people leave, life is hard.
This is all part of my reason to change my focus. Joking about my house was supposed to be funny but I was caught up in material things that can't make you happy. It doesn't mean at some point we won't buy a bigger house, but it means I will take the one I have as long as I can keep the people in it.
My overall goal is to put healthy meals on the table and hope no one is hungry when it is over. I like a nice enjoyable dinner where no one is screaming "I hate chicken." I must confess I spoiled my kids a bit and fed them lots of "kids meals" over the years. They are still young, but the transition to everyone eating the same thing is not easy. Also my "staying home" only worked for us because I work nights so family dinner for us was not an every night thing. It is getting better.
One of my favorite things about being home is the ability to cook. It comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I will cook all day and other times I order pizza (like last night).
What I hope to do here is to share dinner ideas that I have had and any original recipes that I have come up with that don't blow up in my face. I may also share any "I hate chicken" comments that come up along the way. Yuck.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Now she is recovering with a good dose of television, juice and a popsicle. She hates to miss school and as her mother's daughter I am sure that is all she can think about right now. Wondering and worrying if she can go to school tomorrow. I have the same worry. If she is sick I don't want to send her; I can keep her home. Easy enough because I am here. However, I do have an interview tomorrow. If she stays home I can't send her to her sitter's house sick. Is it obvious that I am not feeling that interview tomorrow? It is a part time job. I know nothing about the hours. I will be paying someone to take are of the other one. Enough already I am not supposed to be thinking that far ahead. I can keep her home because I am home, but if I get a job them I won't be home. Why I am so crappy at being home? Is getting a job really going to make me better? Is the guilt (self inflicted) of leaving him with someone else going to eat me alive.
Time to get off the internet and make some dinner. At least cooking uses up some of the energy swirling around in my head.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
This week is going to be busy. Lots to do and two job interviews. I am also working on my Couch to 5K plan. My goal is to take each moment as it comes and not think too far ahead. I have nothing tomorrow beyond making dinner, a little laundry, and maybe a Candy Land challenge.
I am making a promise to myself that on my busy days I will take each day as it comes and not think too far ahead. I am a far ahead thinker and it makes me crazy.
So my goals for this week are to
not think too far ahead
not worry about my job interviews that are aren't happening that day (yes prepare for them) but don't get all worked up
stay organized and calm
breathe-seriously I forget this
work on meditation
practice my Couch to 5K
get to bed early each night
I need to go so I can complete my last goal
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The first job is a long term substitute job that starts the end of October and runs through June. It could be a great way to jump back in and see what I can do. The other job is a part time tutoring position. It would be a great foot in the door, with half the time commitment and no take home work. I would need to wait tables at some capacity with the part time job. A big part of me was hoping to end my relationship with serving food.
The crazy part that I am trying to work through is the deep fear and anxiety that attacked me a couple hours after scheduling my second interview. Even though I worked hard to get a job, the idea of getting one is terrifying. I want one, but I am scared. I need to take a step back and just approach each interview as just an interview. If there is any job offer it will be my choice to take it. I will make the right one.
Friday, September 21, 2012
When I had my daughter my original plan was to take off the rest of year and go back to work in the fall. After we got over the shock of daycare costs I said to my husband "I'll just waitress at night". Five years later and that is what I am still doing. I will say that overall that has worked fairly well for us. I could do a whole post on the trials and tribulations of waiting tables but that is not the point of this post. My point is that almost the entire time I have been home with my children I have thought about going back to work. Yes, you say because the grass is always greener. It is so true. I know myself and if I were to get a job it would be scary and overwhelming and stressful. I remember how hard it could be. Even last night as I rambled away my husband, also a teacher, said kindly "You remember how hard it is". I do remember how hard teaching can be. There is a lot of pressure. A lot of my problem is that I was never that good at being home. The thought of staying home was so exciting, but it got old fast. Working could be the same way. Two months in and I could be ripping my hair out wondering what I was thinking.
I guess there's only one way to find out.