Friday, September 21, 2012

Why am I so high maintenance? To work or not work.

Not high maintenance in the fancy pampered sort of way. High maintenance in the " I just can't turn my brain off" kind of way. I am always thinking. Thinking, analyzing, worrying. It is hard sometimes. Right now my stomach is in full on stress mode due to my upcoming job interview. Yes, I know it is just an interview and that is all I can think about now, but you never know. I over think things before there is anything to think about like childcare for a job I don't even have. If I were to get this job it doesn't affect my oldest that much. She is gone most of the day. It would greatly affect my three year old. He would be spending a lot of time with someone else that is not me. Personally I have no problem with that. I think working/not working is all about personal choice, needs and wants. It is perfectly acceptable to me for woman to go back to work after having a baby. Now I say this knowing how angry people get on either side. I have friends that work and friends that don't. They are all good parents; we all do our best. I always cringed when I told people I worked at night and they made the "it is so good you don't need daycare" comment. I have friends that are great parents whose children were in daycare. This is a judge free zone.

When I had my daughter my original plan was to take off the rest of year and go back to work in the fall. After we got over the shock of daycare costs I said to my husband "I'll just waitress at night". Five years later and that is what I am still doing. I will say that overall that has worked fairly well for us. I could do a whole post on the trials and tribulations of waiting tables but that is not the point of this post. My point is that almost the entire time I have been home with my children I have thought about going back to work. Yes, you say because the grass is always greener. It is so true. I know myself and if I were to get a job it would be scary and overwhelming and stressful. I remember how hard it could be. Even last night as I rambled away my husband, also a teacher, said kindly "You remember how hard it is". I do remember how hard teaching can be. There is a lot of pressure. A lot of my problem is that I was never that good at being home. The thought of staying home was so exciting, but it got old fast. Working could be the same way. Two months in and I could be ripping my hair out wondering what I was thinking.

I guess there's only one way to find out.

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